I think i figured it out… the source of dispair. Came to me while brushing my teeth… What hurt me so much was that Phil is so willing to let me go. Everything said and done didn’t bother me near so much as this. He’s sweet for it I guess. Outsiders reading this will probably not understand why I say that.
That has to be it though… because now that its been said I do feel better.
I don’t know if that’s conciously what he’s up to. I suspect otherwise. I would like to think that he’s just doing this ’cause he’s worried about my well being. I just hope he’s not going under that old atage of letting someone go because if they’d come back if it was what was meant… While I don’t necessarily disagree with that, he’s already let me go and I did come back to him. But if he keeps letting me go… eventually I won’t return . I think that’s true for anyone. If you continuously let someone go (and probably even if you did it once) you send a message to that person that you don’t want them anymore, or that you don’t feel it can be worked out. Unless of course, that other party is sending the signals that they’re unsure about the whole relationship and maybe need out to reevaluate it. Of course, that’s certainly not the case with me… though the nature of this relationship is now altered. (Why do I hear Seven of Nine? “I have altered the perameters of our relationship.”)
Yup. I think he had it a bit backwards. I’m not feeling like he’s left me for another man… but he’s sorta pushing me to go find another one. I would hope his preference is that I don’t, but thats not whats been communicated. “It’d be a good thing.”
Well… despite that I guess nothing really has changed at least on the surface… But I need to distance myself from him. Only ’cause I love him and in the end I can deny him nothing. (No matter how much I may fight him about it… he’ll likely win if he persists.)
He’s a sweet guy. He just has some weird notions about this. Some of the notions I share. Like doing it right and having something solid. But the thing of it is… I already see there being a foundation (perhaps not quite yet complete) but a foundation built of more than lust or puppy-love. This person is my friend and its that reason that I even care so much about this as I do.
I’ve given it some thought last night. About friendship and other types of relations. I will be hard pressed to keep the two separate. In my mind, that friendship is just a component of the rest. Because in my mind you can’t have the latter (the boyfriend) without having a friendship too. I guess if I were to chart out all the relationships I have right now… It would fall into two categories: Family and Friends. My boyfriend (whomever that is) sits overlapping both categories. Because he is my friend, but he’s more than that… he’s like family. And so for me, the two are intertwined. I can’t be somebodie’s boyfriend if i’m not their friend first.
And first and foremost I am that friend.
But then again.. this is all probably just different defintions of some fairly subjective terminology. We can call our relationship whatever we want. Boyfriends, friends, acquaintenances… but no matte what word we choose to describe it… the relationship is exactly the same as it was before. So while the term boyfriend no longer applies to Phil (by his own decision), everything I feel about him remains intact. And I guess in some way so does my commitment.
If he is, at some level conscious or otherwise, trying to self-destruct this… he’s gonna have to try harder. I’m not that easy to get rid of. 🙂 But in further talks I really don’t think that’s the case at all. At least on a conscious level.
Now to make sure I never find out about any of his rompings before he gets moved. The very thought of him with anyone else just makes me sick. I know its a possibility and i’m okay with that… but to know for certain that he did would just be bad bad bad.