I’ve learned something about myself today. My attitude on sex has changed drastically somewhere since Dec 12.
No longer am I comfortable having tricks. Doing so fills me with guilt and shame and a self-loathing that can’t be healthy. All because I decided to take care of a physical need with someone else instead of my hand.
And its just that… a physical need being satisfied. Generally there are other needs that sex meets for me… emotional ones. But when I’m tricking its just an alternative for masturbation. I’m not having any emotional attachment for my trick, just taking care of some built-up testosterone. But hey… self-love takes care of that same physical need.
Its only when I make love to someone that I’m getting the important need met.. That emotional one. Only when I am with someone that I can connect to. Only when I’m with someone I love.
I realised this fundamental shift in my attitude towards sex (I used to be pretty free with my body but now find it to be a part of myself I don’t want to share with anyone outside of he who rules my heart.) while explaining something to my boyfriend in an email I wrote him a little while ago.
Does this mean I’m maturing? I don’t really think so, though perhaps I’ve adopted now what might be called a “mature-attitude” towards sex. No. I think what has really happened is that I’m just no longer interested in running around. I want love and endurance, not one-night-stands. And the fact that I feel such horrible regret for having tricked out just reinforces that belief.
I’m trying not to beat myself up for doing it though… not too much anyway. I mean, the deed is done and there’s no taking it back… but the end result of it… this self-loathing, is proof enough that my attitudes toward such actions are different now than they were just a few months ago.