Quick check. Have my feelings changed? Answer. No. Not in the slightest. Though we can add grief now to the list of emotional experiences underway.
I have been told again and again that I should be dating other people. Its quite infuriating. Apparently my feelings on the matter are going right over the person’s head. He just doesn’t see how ultimately self-destructive that is for a relationship. But maybe he’s having second thoughts about it…
I am told that the fear here is in our respective feelings for each other not being in balance… that I love more than i should which is more than he. I personally find that a bunch of hooey. What can I do about it anyway? Reverse my emotions, move backwards, fall out of love? Put a cap on my emotions… I can love this much and now more? This is my heart… not a financial statement. Those options do not exist. I feel what I feel and all I can control about it is how I act on those emotions.
The truth is that I am in love. And if that is so very wrong than I am doomed to hell. But I don’t care. I learned a long time ago that people need to experience their emotions, even when its a source of pain. But I wasn’t in pain. Not really. Yeah I miss the object of my affections. And his absense isn’t exactly a fun thing. But its not the end of the world either… I mean.. I go on with my day-to-day life like I always have.
What he is really failing to grasp is the fact that I don’t want to date. I didn’t want a boyfriend in the firstplace. Not a mission objective for me. I’ve been enjoying being single. But then he returned to my world and I made a commitment (perhaps more to myself than to him) and now I have a boyfriend (thousands of miles away…) that I just have to wait for.
See… I understand his perspective. He’s changing his very life.. moving across a nation and that requires preparation… And time. Mostly time. And for him that time is probably harder spent because he too has emotions directed at me. He claims he doesn’t love me as much as he perceives me to be in love with him. Maybe maybe not. I think in his case he’s had to more or less ignore those feelings to concentrate on the specific tasks at hand. I personally don’t see anything wrong with that… provided those emotions are acknowledged and he’s not deliberately trying to supress them.
Or maybe I really am far more over the top than he is about this.. Maybe I dove off that cliff and expected him to follow and he just stood up there watching me in horror…
What I do know is that he loves me.. That I love him. So where is the problem? I didn’t think there was one.. but now I see that there is… He wants me to act against my emotions. To be “less dedicated.” He wants me to take actions that will do nothing but add to my misery and dissatisifaction. He wants me to go against what I believe.
“I may not be the one” he says. Maybe not. But maybe he is… and maybe I do what he says and I take all these emotions i have for him and I bury them… bury them deeper than I did before. Lock them away and forget they exist and go on with my world like he’s not a part of it. That seems to be what he’s asking me. Well… perhaps I’m seeing that as an extreme and he doesn’t want quite that. No… He wants me to love him less though.
But I can’t do that. I can’t stop what’s started and make it work backwards. What if he is the one and I do what he asks and he gets here and finds the door to my heart locked to him? What then?
So I reevaluate. And what I conclude is this. He’s asking for something that isn’t a relationship. He’s asking to set a self-destruct on it. If this commitment of boyfriendhood is more than he can bare right now then I hope he tells me. I just saw it as a promise… a promise that he would be here this time and that my waiting wouldn’t result in heartache…
I don’t think I’m wrong in my conclusions. He maintains that it will all be different when we’re together again. Well yes and no. The only difference is that we’ll be together. I really don’t see anything changing. Am I suddenly supposed to love him more just because he’s physically closer? That doesn’t make sense. Love is not dependent on geography. I don’t love somebody more the closer they physically get to me and I don’t love them less because I’m in one state and they’re in another. That wouldn’t be love.
But I will nurture my love. I will make it grow. And if it grows bigger than his so be it… I have no fear that my love will not be returned. I have no fear.
There is no certainty or guarantee in us. We will simply do what we can do. We will try and have a fruitful and productive life together built on top of friendship and mutual love.
And I will not date anyone else. I WILL NOT seek to meet other people. I WILL NOT trick myself out. I WILL NOT seek another man to find solace in the arms of because mine is elsewhere. All of that would be to put a weight on me that I refuse to bare. I WILL NOT take these actions when doing so will lead to my losing this sweet sweet man.
His only fault is in not understanding me. But that will be rectified in due time. He will come to know me. Really he already does he just doesn’t admit it.
I don’t think he’s in love with me though. Loves me yes, in love with me no. From his own lips I have it that he does not believe in such things. His loss. I believe in them. I know them to be true. And if this belief divides us now, then I shall simply withdraw until he can be here and see for himself.
I fear that he can not handle my love right now… that it distracts him too much from his purpose. For that I am truly sorry. While I can not curtail my emotion, I can curtail the actions that reveal it. And maybe that’s what he’s asking for. That I simply keep the depth of it to myself until such time as he is able to receive it in full.
I don’t know… but I do now that he is dead wrong about it. What he sees as helping us will only drive us apart. I know myself well enough to know that what he’s asking is impossible because I won’t risk losing him.
I let him slip away once. I told myself it was for the right reasons and I pray that they were… but I’m not growing younger. I’m getting older. And with each passing year I realize more and more that there is something missing from my life which I need. And that is a companion with which to share everything that I have and that I am.
I’m happy alone. It wasn’t bad to be single. But I’m not single anymore. I made a commitment to someone and that means certain things to me. And because I believe in that commitment I will continue to honor it, regardless of what requests are put to me to the contrary.
My love will not know boundaries. It is infinite, yet ever growing, and powerful beyond imagination. It will effect great things in my life.
And my solitude is coming to an end. I know it…. I just wish he did.
I was thinkin about it some more on the drive back to work… He really is asking for something crazy… That we cloud up the beginings of this relationship with infideleties… other parties.
If I tricked myself out I’d feel cheap. If I dated someone else to avoid that cheap feeling then they’d wind up thinking something more was there than there was… so I’d just hurt some poor innocent when Phil finally got here.
That’s too fucked up. I can’t do that to them, to Phil, or to myself. No. He wants this relationship to have a good solid foundation. Sorry love, what you’re asking me now isn’t gonna give us that.
I wish he could take his mind back in time to November of 1998 when I lay in bed with him practically crying on him because of the five people i messed around with the last time he made this offer. Gods. One of them ended up my boyfriend. And I learned something very valuable about that. Relationships formed out of such behaviors (whether I’m with the third party or actually get to be with Phil this time) foster a lot of mistrust.
No. It is infinitely better that I just stay at home or hang out with my friends and not go looking for any intanglements. Gods. Why can’t he understand that?
I feel bad for him. All he was trying to do was look out for my best interests and now things are 100 times worse than they ever needed to be.
But this cloud of murky gloom will lift… eventually. Once my mind stops racing on this. For now, at least, I’m just gonna have to avoid him altogether. Lest he say more on the matter and provoke me into an actual rage on the subject. I really don’t know what I’ll do or say if he asks me one more time if I’ve been on any dates.
I’m supposed to talk to someone about all this… but sadly this livejournal is the only medium i have that I am comfortable discussing these matters. Maybe someone will be kind enough to post a comment and give me some advise. Or maybe it will go unread like all the others. 🙂
There just isn’t any happyness in me today. Maybe tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow.
Oh well. Back to work. Nothing more to say really, except to rehash the same sentiments. My love will let me die until his heart resurrects me.