so so tired…

It surrounds me. Some murky gloom. I sit here not sure what to say, can’t quite describe what I feel because i don’t really know for sure what it is. My mind is numb. I want release but I don’t know how to get it. How do I stop it and lift this veil of uncertainty.

Are second thoughts being made? Am I standing now where I stood before? Does my faith waiver?

I feel like I’ve lost but there’s nothing I can see that’s changed. Everything’s the same but still I sit here surrounded by murk and gloom… no solace no comfort no peace. Just this whatever it is.

The truth is that the world’s not right anymore. Maybe it never was. But its a thousand shades of grey and no color anymore. or was the color just an illusion to begin with… something made up and passed along to each new generation… like false hope.

I look back and I see sorrow and hurt. I look forward but I can not see. I can just walk blindly.

The source of the murk and gloom is me. My own torment and anguish. I wrap myself in it because I want to feel something.. need to feel something… must feel to validate my feelings better to feel something than nothing at all… pain may be all i have but i feel and i know that I am true…

But what will become of it in the end? Will I have suffered in vain, or will heaven shine on me one last time and deliver me from the darkness that imprisons me?

I don’t know… and so i do all that i can… i wait and i feel even though all i feel is the pain.

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