Finally finished the book. 🙂 And now I’ll finish my little story…
Devon, or Mac as he sometimes called himself. I met him while working at Major Video. He came in talking about thesbians and i made some crack about lesbians and he later returned for a job application. He was confused I think. Drawn between his urges and his theology. In the end, the church won out and I lost him. I remember though how it began. We were atop my hill, Huffaker Hill, and he said to me “What would you do if I kissed you?” and then he did…
There were some years after that and my next involvement. I did some experimenting here and there. I was seventeen when I started dating. Had three going at once… but settled on Tommy as my choice of boyfriends. He was good to me. We had a good time together, but I had to move back to Reno and so we parted ways. I tried to keep in touch, but eventually we just faded away. I think it hurt him that I came here. I got together with him a few years later while I was in California visiting. He tried to kiss me but something had changed. Something in me…
It was probably another year since I returned to Reno before I started trying to find a mate. I had a few trials but nothing panned out. Then I got with Chris. Chris was/is a wiccan and that was great because I share in much of their theology. I should have seen that it wasn’t a good match from the start… but I was still quite young and naive and believing it could work.
I finally left Chris when I met James. James was a god. Or so I thought then. We met assisiting a mutual friend in a little photography assignment. We were models together and the picture I have of us is still considered quite good (though no one realizes I’m in it). I think James had some coming-out issues of his own during this time and while it started great, he got weird on me and so eventually it ended.
More dating but nothing of note.
On June 21, 1997, I met David for the first time. I had gone to San Francisco to visit a friend and while we were out at a club, David (my friend’s friend) was introduced to me. We spent the rest of that evening together until eventually Met (my friend) and I had to get home. David and I have remained in contact ever since and I like to consider him a good friend. Now and again I’ll go visit him. Perhaps my first great love was David. And I still care about him. But distance separates us and I don’t think either will move for the other anytime in the near future…. Though there was a good long while there when all he needed do was ask. And his friendship is very much valued. Whatever the future holds, I have no regrets with David.
Then was Skip. Skip was kewl. I liked him, even if he was a little nellier than I usually go for. But he made it clear he didn’t want a relationship and so I started pursuing other interests.
Next was Jaysen. The brother of my old friend from middle school. Again, it started out great… but his pessmissim finally won out and we too parted company. I decided negativity wouldn’t do.
More futile dating…
After that was Pasquale. He probably would have been fine but he couldn’t figure out if he was straight, gay, or bi. And in large doses, i eventually discovered, he got on my nerves.
More futile dating…
Finally I met Aaron. My first boyfriend since Tommy. Aaron was in high school which should have been a warning… We got along famously for a good long time. But we grew apart. We just weren’t a good match because we couldn’t give each other what we wanted. We were eventually able to reconcile though and remain friends.
After Aaron I gave up on a boyfriend for awhile, concentrating instead on one thing: sex. and lots of it. I probably added more partners to my ever-growing list during this time than I had previously or since.
It was great fun. But eventually I started to settle down. Somewhere along this time I moved to Radcliffe and that’s when contact with Tommy started breaking down.
I attended a gay youth program with Aaron and continued afterwards though it was a bit ackward having my ex there. It was here that I met the second Chris to become my boyfriend. He too was in high-school, though a senior so I figured I was safe. To be honest, I don’t know what it was but somehow he captured my heart. I loved him. And it hurt me a great deal when we broke up.
In fact, I was still somewhat grieving when I met Phil (who will be addressed later in this posting).
There was more tricking out in this time… but for the first time I began regretting my sexual escapades. Five people in one month had me near tears when I confessed it to Phil in November of 1997 (we met in October of that year).
Phil should have been the next chapter, but as it turns out… I wound up with Thayer.
Thayer and I were together longer than anyone else. I learned more about relationship in the two years he and I tried it than I ever did before. The what-to and what-not to dos came daily. I loved Thayer. Even went so far as to buy a house with him… but alas that proved our undoing. He never trusted me and slowly became more and more abusive toward me. In the end i had to give him up. And a good thing too. He became violent. Thayer was the only person ever to hit me. I should have broken up with him then. He knew it too. We cried about the whole affair and I let myself get talked into staying with him. Bad bad Shaun. More abuse and finally he did attack me again. But by then we were ex’s forced to dwell in the same house.
Thayer cured for me the bug that demanded I have someone. He made me realize that my happiness is within and that I did not need a boyfriend to be complete. Indeed, these months since Thayer have been wondrous and far less stressful. Somewhere along my relationship with Thayer the Shaun that everyone knew and loved disappeared. Only in our firey breakup did that Shaun return. I was amazed at the comments on how much happier I seemed. I’ve dated here and there… but nothing substancial has come of it… and since I’m not actively pursuing anything there probably won’t be anything coming out of it.
I wanted to work on me. Build up my own confidence. Hell… I even had the nerve to approach a dude on the street and say hello. Scored a date. His name was Bill. He was cutie but I guess not interested cause eventually he stopped returning my calls. Not that I was persistent. Just once every few days to see if he wanted to hang out again.
Then I met Greg. I liked him but there are signs he’s a heavy drug user and quite frankly he lied to me about his age. Thats always a no-no… and there were other things… like sometimes he’d talk to me like i was his child or something. I don’t know. Just didn’t work out…
And besides… Phil returned to my life. And as far as my lovelife goes, Phil has been the center of it since. For awhile there we were even boyfriends (though that actually changed somewhat today). Now I’m just hoping he’s really coming out here and its not all some big false hope. Phil and mine is a precarious relationship. We love each other yet we aren’t together (hmmmm… sounds like me and David… though with David sometimes I wonder about that love coming back at me). Supposedly he’s saving to fix that… but in recent conversations its come to light that he’s not ready to receive my love or my commitment to him. I think its his loss.
Hopefully Phil does come out here. After talking to him today I’m really uncertain on his motives for moving or that he even will in the end. There is something about Phil that isn’t in any of the rest and I’ve noticed it. Twice now. Just beneath the surface where mere mortals wouldn’t see it… Phil is a chapter in my world that isn’t over quite yet. Perhaps intermissioned. Actually, he’s a chapter that’s hardly really begun. Just foreshadow of what is to come.
This last time I visited him he gave me something. Today I placed that in an envelope and sent it back. Its purpose is unserved. And a rift now exists between us anyway. It’ll close up in time of its own accord… or Phil and I may find way to seal it up now. Maybe I should have kept it… I’m sure one day soon i’ll wish it was here to hold.
I’m just haunted by his statements… “Words can’t heal this.”
And so you now have it before you. A brief tale of love gone sour. There will be many more to add to this I’m sure.
I think, all the same, that I shall cancel Valentine’s day this year. I have no heart for it anymore.