Hmmm…. So now cleared on his meaning… Though i still think he’s being ruled by insecurity and self-doubt… I can’t shake the feeling that he’s afraid he’ll fail me in the end and that’s why he doesn’t want me getting too close. But no matter. It will reveal itself to me in time. It always does. I see. I have always seen. And I know. I have always known. My gift. Perception beyond what mere mortals perceve. At least thats more or less how David put it. And ever since he brought it to the forefront of my conciousness I’ve known its in me… that power. Sight beyond sight. I think it unnerved David a bit. I think it unnerved Thayer too. Definantly with Thayer. It scared him how much I knew when he didn’t tell me.
I think we’ve opened a small rift between us. Better to ignore it for now… Put some distance between us. Allow the emotions to simmer down a bit. Then continue on this foundation building. Well. I guess that can’t be done til he’s here because evidentally none of that has been going on all this time.
Don’t push him he says… but i’ve already been shoved. And so I remain… on the outskirts only half-seen.
That’s probably what hurts the most. Here I am thinking I’m doing the right thing and just trying to get to know this man and share my life as best as the internet will allow… so that when he gets here i’m not some half-figment of his imagination….
But I guess I was alone in thinking thats what was going on. Gods… Had I only known what I was doing instead.
Is this our first fight? I don’t know. Didn’t seem like one. One thing is for certain. Phil and I may not get it right on our first try but damn it… we’ll percevere until we’re both quite clear on each other’s positions. That’s got to be a good sign right?
But at least he knows that I’m not about to ignore my feelings. I want to feel. I’ve said it in the last three journals.
But its not anger I feel, perhaps to his disappointment. I think he wants me to be angry about it… but now that I really know what’s going on I can’t be. Why be angry? Anger directed at him serves no purpose, and would be entirely unjustified anyway. Anger at the situation? Well… aside from what I think would be a wise sabatical from one another, the situation is (as it turns out) basically what I thought it was. He just won’t let me make any commitment to him… but that’s kinda late…
Well… he’ll just do his thing on his end and i’ll do mine on mine and if he’s right and the fact that i feel some attachment to him will just force us to fail then I guess that’s whats gonna happen.
Be true and be honest he told me. And I am. With myself and hopefully with him. But sometimes the truth isn’t what we want it to be and I think that is where he finds his grief.
And in the end… there was nothing. No us. Just me. All alone (again?). Good thing I’m accustomed to it. Being alone. I’m my own best friend. 🙂
I just wish he wouldn’t have agreed to the formalization of the relations in the first place. And why take so long to tell me. I thought it brought him happiness to know. It did for me. But that is no more. I am forbidden it. Feelings check. Nope.. They’re still the same. Are they the same for him? Maybe deep inside… but i’ll never know.
I guess maybe the real difference between us in how we tackle relationships is that I assume it will work out and that that man IS indeed THE ONE. Rather than consider he might not be and thus doom myself to unhappiness because I can’t believe in what I have. If I thought tomyself, this one might not be the one each time I was presented an opportunity, I would never find happiness with someone. I’d be with them and the whole time be wondering “Is he the one?” thus never completely surrendering myself to the relationship.
I don’t want to sound like my baby is naive and unexperienced in these things. Surely he’s had his fair share of relationship failures and hopefully some successes along the way (though not too successful or he wouldn’t be available).
The truth probably lies in that any notion of “us” makes him miserable given the sheer distance between us. I just hope this course succeeds in eliminating the misery.
I find it a bit amusing. Just another difference between us I suppose. But I wouldn’t relocate across a country, throwing my world into chaos, unless I knew in my heart I had a sure thing waiting for me… or as close to a sure thing as I could be sure about (nothing is certain in this world… of that i truly know). I wouldn’t move (assuming i really am the reason for the move) with any uncertainty that my feelings were genuine. But to hear him talk today, there is nothing about me he is certain of. And that is a very dangerous thing for him. Perhaps he should rethink moving. I don’t want him here if hes not sure about it. Taking things slow and building a relationship is all fine and dandy… i’m all for it. In fact, I can’t fathom why he would think otherwise. Of course I thought we were boyfriends already. At least that’s what I thought we had decided a month ago. And so the relationship was already there like the materials in a lumberyard just waiting to be assembled into place.
All I know is that now I will likely question his every word when it comes to his feelings because I see now that he has no certainty of them where it concerns me. Fear. That is the heart of this matter. Fear in the unknown. Fear that he’ll fail me or I’ll fail him i’m not sure. But there is definantly fear there. And fear too is a dangerous thing for him, where it concerns me.
But I would like to know what is meant by “When I’m there it will all be different.” What will be different? That’s the one question remaining unanswered. Is this all just smoke and water because he’s reeling at not having me around?
The other sad truth I’ve learned out of this is that I can do nothing for him. He’s all alone in this. And so am I.
He is out there… He has heard my call… And he will hear it… Again and again until he heeds it.