The Transmutation of Love

And so once again I find myself in this position. In love with Phillip, though twice now he has refused it.

That chapter comes to a close. And now I must take this emotion and deal with it.

My goodbye has been made. And yes… deep inside I feel the heart breaking… but after 23 years of it… it is nothing to feel this. Heartbreak is my friend.

My disappointment is in my failure. I have let him slip through my fingers once again. I’ve never loved someone like I love Phil. And to think… we could even have been friends. Ah, but how fickle is his heart… That he could claim to love someone so intensely… and so quickly feel nothing?

Is that possible? Not for this heart. Not when it is a real emotion. Ah… but then again, Phil probably didn’t have any real emotion toward me.

And to think… I was roped in… my compassionate nature taken advantage of all because he needed to feel better about his breakup? I have my doubts if that is a true statement… But one thing is certain… He should not have made that phone call. Should definantly not have said yes he’d be my boyfriend, and most definantly should not have uttered the words “I love you.” Because we both know now that that was never ever true.

But I came back to him, didn’t I. I opened my heart to him once again and again he ran from me.

All I wanted was his friendship. To know that someone I care about is still a player in the game of my life. But now even that is a likely impossibility.

So what was I to him? What will he think as he looks back on me in the years to come? Is it true he has often thought of me in the years past, as I have often thought of him? I know I’ll continue to wonder about him… But will he look back and think of me as a regret. Or will he regret letting go of me time and again. Nature has afforded him quite an opportunity.

One thing has been made clear to me in the past year or two… That I am something great. I still don’t see what makes me “fucking awesome” as David put it, but I know that I am unique… and that anyone would be quite lucky indeed to have me. But yet I am perpetually alone. And it doesn’t bother me so much that I don’t have anyone. Life is full of wonder and if I can’t share it, I can at least enjoy it by myself. But what does bother me is that all these boys come along and preach about how wonderful I am right before they disappear. Am I so good that they tremble?

So I set out to reclaim a friendship. And in the process had my hopes raised that that friendship might actually prove to be more, though it was not my intent that it would be. And I got a boyfriend… albeit for a few short weeks. Then his love evidentally ceased to be (and we all know that means it didn’t exist to begin with). And of my boyfriend, I expected nothing. I was really truly looking forward to the courtship… to experience what it would be liked to be properly engaged in romance.

And despire my latest ex’s belief to the contrary… i had not grand design. I just wanted the chance to take our friendship and turn it into something indestructable and timeless.

And for all to brief a time… Phil seemed to want that too… But no longer today. Today he does not love me and he does not see himself loving me. And I don’t know what is worse… that he would pass me by, or to so completely misjudge me.

Well… it may be the end of Phil… but it isn’t the end of me. I, and my heart, shall go on… quite peacefully.

And sooner or later someone will come along that not only realizes my worth, but isn’t afraid to take me.

But Phillip is gravely incorrect. He has not been clear in what he wanted to say… No… instead he’s been mixed about it. Telling me one thing, then another. It doesn’t take much of a genius to realize that I would take all that was said, mesh it together, and then make a determination of what’s really going on. And truth be told, my powers of perception were pushed to their limits.

But here I am again. Full circle. And it just occured to me (as it tends to do) what Phil told me about the last time he did this. “He was scared.” he said.

I would have stood by him… both as his friend and his lover… but he’s thrown both away now. It helps me to continue believing in my assessment of him… That this is all fear-driven… But whether or not that is true, the fact remains that he’s pushed me away. And so I shall walk on… Alone, and stronger for my experience. And for my would-be suitors, I am afraid the door to my heart just got that much heavier and the keyhole less likely to open.

Its a shame… but you’d have to work all that harder to gain the trust requried to gain my love. I’ve been burned too many times as it is… and Phil’s only advantage was our previous history… and the fact that I will always love him… even if I can’t be with him (and now I do not think I could allow myself to be with him should he come calling again).

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