That a friendship with Chris just isn’t possible. I hurt too much and being around him is just going to remind me of what I can’t have. Even if I could cope with it, sooner or later he’d take an interest in someone new and that’d be it for me.
I made him come get his stuff today. All of it. I don’t want any trace of him left in my surroundings as it only makes me sadder. I went to lunch yesterday with Daniel to try and get my mind off of it and we were almost seated at the same table Chris and I had dined at when we went to Mimi’s. I just wanted to cry.
I spent two hours waiting for him to get home last night so I could give him his stuff. Of course minutes after I gave up he must have arrived. I called him when I got home from his place, a twenty minute drive, and he said he had been there awhile. Guess 20 minutes is awhile.
I’m having a real hard time right now. I told him I didn’t want him to call me. Well, actually he asked if I wanted him to and I said no. And he asked “You don’t want me to call you ever” and I told him not unless he changed his mind.
I’m just so sad because I thought I had found what I was looking for. Someone whom I could respect and look up to, someone who would make me grow and become a better person, and most importantly someone that loved me back the way I loved them.
All I want to do is curl into a ball on my bed and sleep away the pain in my heart. Let my hurt heal in my dreams.
I’m really going to miss this one. He’s all I had hoped for. I guess all that I can do now is stand up, and dust myself off. Continue with life and let a new heart grow to replace the broken one. It’ll take a little while for the tears to dry up and for me to be able to function without feeling grief, but I know that sooner or later it will happen. That I’ll be my old self again. Alone again, but me.