Today I am not faring any better… I think its just my shortcomings trying to bite me on the ass. I’m just insecure and since I really like this RussBoy I’m trembling over the notion that because I like him he won’t like me. That is the way it tends to go in my world and so I guess maybe that’s part of my problem right now… on some level i’m just waiting for him to walk away.

I have nothing to fear.

I have to keep replaying that moment over and over in my head to get some kind of solace.

Dang. I’m a whacko aren’t i?

I wish I could just relax about it. I keep telling myself that I’m just overanalyzing but it isn’t helping. That N’Sync song just came to mind. “I drive myself crazy thinking of you…” its true for me, though I haven’t made the mistake of letting him go. I’ll fight for him in the end if it comes down to it.

You know what it really is, that I perceive a need to fight. I feel threatened and thats proably why I’m reacting this way.

I need to meditate I think. Rebalance myself a bit and see if maybe I can get a glimpse of this perceived threat. If this other dude really is after my man, I’m really worried about the drama that could insue. Fuck. I just don’t know and I’m going a wee bit insane in my fear and doubt over the whole matter.

I don’t know what to do…

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