So today i finally got resolution to something that’s been ongoing for a couple years now. G and I are dissolving our relationship. At least now we can have a chance to start healing.
It seems like the new year is always a revolving door of change for me. Its been this way for several concurrent years now… but as the new year comes, so with it comes some chaotic upheaval that disrupts the very fabric of my world—shattering contentment.
At least it serves to keep me in motion—always evolving. Stagnation isn’t particularly desirable. It would seem, however, that an important chapter in my life is reaching its conclusion. Wonder what’s on the next page…
Yesternight’s frozen treat experiment? Chocolate-covered strawberry ice cream. In honor of Valentine’s day. Also lactose free. Tried out the tapioca cream as a substitute to the heavy whipping cream. I need to try it with plain old vanilla to make sure it comes out as vanilla-flavored and not tapioca-flavored before I can sign off on it. For chocolate, though, it worked out beautifully. Great consistency and nice and creamy. Better than the deserts we’d have gotten with dinner had we opted for them.
Gabe can’t remember the last time he’s been able to eat ice cream like this. (A full bowl, two nights in a row.) Makes me happy. Truth be told the choice to redeem my service-reward for an ice cream maker was more geared at expanding his menu of dessert choices than anything else.
He returned the favor with perhaps the nicest heart-shaped box of chocolates I’ve ever received. Its got a plush top to it. Its so nice-looking I hate to ruin it by eating the actual chocolate.
Ha ha. Outlook just gave me the email informing me that the ice cream maker has been shipped. (Wonder if I’m getting another one.) I got it two days after placing the order. Old news!
…not nearly as painful as I had expected. Still, glad it was a short one.
Well today is a happy day, no matter what actually happens. Gabe is finally coming home from his three week trip to Oregon to play handy-man for his mom and sister.
I’m pretty excited. I’ve missed him. The bachelor life is fun for a day or two, but then you start feeling the absence of the person you spend all your time with.
He’s in for a bit of a surprise though. Most of the house has been rearranged in his absence to make ready for Halloween. I’ve managed to get all the stuff out of storage and to the house, and yet maintain some order and cleanliness in getting it setup. (Definite improvement over last year when we literally had everything strung out across the house at once… mostly due to the prior year’s packing up of stuff not being handled by me and thus not being sorted quite right to make it easy on us last year.)
Needless to say, I’ve been quite busy this month as the sole-decorator on duty. Looking forward to having my manpower doubled. Now to go find the rest of my staff and get them to work!
Wow. Time sure flies when the marbles roll…
Its kind of amazing, kind of hard to believe, that it has been a whole year.
A whole year since Gabe and I had our first actual date. It doesn’t seem like its been that long, but it has.
I had long said that I’d know I had myself someone special if I ‘met’ them three times. You know me and my reverence for the number three (and its cube), and how I have a healthy respect for the ancient and hallowed rule of three.
We Doci have an otherworldy understanding of such things. The Ori have revealed to us the significance of the number three, particularly in how it relates to the synchronicities which we like to effect into our lives.
So for some time, whenever I would ponder "how will I know him when that special one finally comes?" I would comfort myself in knowing that the rule of three would be my sign.
Naturally when it happens, I forget all about the sign. I miss it completely. Its only been in recent weeks that it even occured to me that the sign had revealed itself.
Gabe and I met three times before having our first date a year ago today.
Three encounters, and that third one was the magick one, the one that led to our date, and a year spending nearly every single day in each other’s company. The first two he was involved with someone. By the third time he wasn’t and by what I can only call an extreme stroke of fortuitous cosmic arrangement, I was uninvolved as well. (I find it hard to remain single for any appreciable amount of time.)
That third meeting was in and of itself special, but I was out with friends and so didn’t get to spend an appreciable amount of time with him that night, just a physical acknowledgement of our mutual attraction and an exchange of phone numbers and we parted ways for the evening.
Two days later we met up at the Applebee’s by my house and have only had a small handful of days where we’ve gone without seeing one another. That was at Christmas when I was at my dad’s. There have been a few days we’ve barely seen one another. Practically all the days we’ve woken up together (or rather he’s woken up to me, and i’ve protested my disdain for the morning covering my head with a pillow to escape back to sleep).
In some ways I wonder. I think i’ve been a bit preconditioned to have some kind of intensity going on in the relationship to reveal to me my feelings. But there hasn’t been that intensity and I’m reminded of some musings of a guy about how people confuse intensity in life with love and how they’re never happy if there isn’t some high drama going on to remind them they feel what they feel.
So while I don’t have most days spent with any kind of intensity to make me realize the full depth of my emotional connection to him, I know quite well that its there, and how strong it is, and what he means to me.
I’ve had dreams where things have happened in the dreamscape that left me hurting. When I awake from those dreams I’m full of such relief that it didn’t really happen, and its in those moments I have that intensity of something to make me see in crystal clarity the depth of my feelings toward him.
Its just neat the way its grown. We dated several months before officiating ourselves as boyfriends. If the past few relationships are a guide, I would be well into living with him by now. I’m not, and while living between two houses has its own frustrations, I’m confident I’ve given our relationship some breathing room to grow on its own, naturally and organically, without any forced deepening that premature comingling of residences can bring about.
I wasn’t paying attention to the rule of three when it delivered Gabe unto me. I wasn’t paying attention when what we had grew into something truly special. I wasn’t paying attention because I was enjoying it for the moment. I was enjoying the company of a sweet and wonderful man for the sake of enjoying it, not because I was actively trying to ensnare his heart… and what am I left with? Truly the most peacful and rewarding relationships I’ve ever had.
For so long I’ve ignored some of its key principles around the timing of transitions from one chevron to the next. Yet here, when I for once am not trying to make a relationship, does one come about exactly the way my little roadmap decrees it should. Now, I guess, I’ve got some proof to share with people that the roadmap knows what its talking about.
I guess I’m well on my way to that coupled bliss it talks about, but I’m finding myself paying all my attention to the journey, not the destination. Which of course is exactly what Origin teaches us to do.
I have myself a very special someone. That much is quite obvious. I have something solid too. Something that was built upon a sturdy foundation of friendship. I think it says something that we’ve been dating for a year and never once had a single fight. There’s been disagreements, or issues if you want to call them that, to be sure. The usual stuff of two people entangled in their love for one another. Yet we’ve always discussed them in honesty and respect and that’s been our secret for getting along. Its interesting how when you do that, you find yourself far more willing to compromise than you do when you have a heated argument.
I’m starting to be of the mind that everyone else should look to us as the gold standard of what to do and not to do in love. But give us a few more years before that. :)
Although I have high hopes for our future together, I know I can’t state with any certainty its forever. I won’t know that as fact until after its come and done. All I do know is that I have a boyfriend who genuinely cares about me. Its evident in all the little things he does, like always having a cup of coffee ready for me when I finally crawl out of bed kicking and screaming at the morning…
I pray to all manner of being that I am to him, as great a boyfriend has he’s been to me.
I get a free Xbox 360.
I probably have to pay taxes on it.
Talked with Mike last night and was told he wants this to work between us
Talked with Mike last night and he feels things are going to fast.
So something very weird is happening inside me.
Its about children. Offspring of my own.
I’ve always maintained that I’m undecided about children. But that is because I haven’t found anyone I could see myself being a parent with.
At least not until recently. When I talk with Mike about his daughter, I just see how it lights him up. The thought of her. One of the most endearing qualities of a man can be the love he has for his child.
And it happened a few weeks back but I was reminded of it again last night and then today…
For the first time in my life, I actually know someone I could really see myself being a parent with. It really is a weird feeling.
Not to say I’m ready to go out and adopt or knock up a surrogate mother or anything… but a future I can see is Me and Mike starting a family.
So I guess we’ll see how the future unfolds. 🙂
Little in the way of dispair for this past weekend. 🙂
Had a rather good time with Mike whom I got to spend a fair chunk of it with. My favorite part was Saturday night, well Sunday morning, at 3:00 am when Mike informed me he never thought he’d be out and about with me at such an hour.
I can stay up late with the best of them. ;p
Weird sleeping last night though. Mike stayed at home and didn’t invite me over so alone I was. I kept waking up looking for him but he wasn’t there. Not sure what I was dreaming about that made me think it odd he was missing.
In any case… I had a good weekend.
I keep putting myself through anguish
and keep allowing myself to be hurt.
For in the end the pain you bring upon me
will be the currency with which i buy back your love.
So I will let you fracture my heart
and burn away what is left of my sanity
I only pray that I am strong enough to survive it
that I not become twisted up inside my head.
Each blow to my heart kills another piece of me.
In the end you may destroy me.
And if so I hope that the shell that is left of me
will be worthy of your affections
For it is only through your love
That I can be reborn.